I write a lot about writer’s block, and have experienced significant block/resistance/procrastination in my lifetime. Just admitting that here makes my ego want to cry out and tell you, “yeah, but I’ve written and published three books.” okay, baby ego, okay.
Today, however, I’m not writing about that kind of writing obstruction. If you’re a regular reader here, you know I broke my right arm in November. I simply couldn’t write.
The morning before my fall, I wrote: I’ll actually write today. My handwriting was sure, bold and legible. I really thought that was true. I’m often confident and ambitious when I write in my morning pages.
Fast-forward 8 days. I hadn’t written in my morning book. My right hand was still so swollen that it resembled a ruddy grapefruit. My left arm was sprained, weak, and unreliable. Mostly, I was just living through time. I had pain. I slept a lot. I just tried to keep myself distracted by rerun television, pain meds, and frequent naps.
In those early days, I couldn’t even wear my Apple watch, plug my phone into its charger, sit in an office chair at my computer… and I couldn’t write.
I couldn’t write. This was new and different. I realized I didn’t feel like myself when I didn’t write. After about a week, I broke down and tried. I wrote with my left hand. “Day 7 of broken arm. I’m home alone for the first time. They pre-opened 4 diet cokes and set up my lunch. I’ll have to pull up my own underpants, today.”
Writing, for people like us, is not just something we do. It is something we are. Writing defines us.
And yes, I was in pain. Disabled. Down and out. But life carried on all around me. One thing I learned is my husband was a grumpy saint. I wouldn’t have known this about him, even after 30 years of marriage. He helped with all aspects of living – especially pulling up my underwear after my 15-20 daily trips to pee – never failing to make the joke “This goes against everything I believe in.”
As he helped me put on underwear, lifting one leg precariously at a time, we thought of Prince Charming and Cinderella. We laughed till we cried about the idea of “Underella.” What if Cinderella had left behind a pair of underpants on the steps of the palace, instead of a shoe? Would fair maidens still be considered maidens? Is there a children’s book in there somewhere?
Perhaps some ideas are best left unwritten.
One month after my fall, there was still a long list of things I couldn’t do:
- Pull my underwear up
- open a diet coke
- open my pain pills
- plug in or unplug my phone charger
- pick up ANYTHING I drop
- sleep through the night
- cut anything with scissors or a knife
- butter toast
- drive
- hold the phone to my ear
But I was much better at:
- Getting up from sitting
- Getting out of bed
- Passing time without TV or other distraction
- Eating well
- Using the mouse left handed
My arm felt foreign. Not like a part of me. In fact, the first time I let my arm dangle, as per the doctor’s instructions, I felt nauseous.
My brain was screaming. Wait, what? We don’t own that arm anymore!
One day, my daughter was petting her kitten nestled in her arm. Similarly, I was massaging my forearm to relieve pain. I had gotten out of my immobilizer, and my weak arm hung limply at my side, curled up in its clth sling. I named it “Fing.” Fing was like a pet you loved but couldn’t quite get to behave. Fing even had a ball – that she was supposed to squeeze all day, as part of her physical therapy. Fing could not write. That much was clear. (Not that she hadn’t tried.)
What was the key learning here? We are defined by writing, and ill-defined when we’re not writing. Our thoughts don’t organize, take hold, become real without writing them down. It is a processing as much as it is a presentation of what we think.
Writing is a must in our lives. And since that’s true, like Fing, you could seek the help of a trained expert to help you write with greater strength and range of motion. How might you gain your greatest agility when writing? What small exercises could you coax your little ego into so you might write again sooner and better?
Come to the FB group for a great discussion on these topics this week.