People talk about “perfectionism,” and for me, that’s not the issue. I’m fine with flab in the wrong places, broken links in my blogs. I mean I do my best. My expectations are high, but not perfectionist.
With the holidays upon us, perfectionism creates a different layer of pressure!
This chart, taken from my book, Motherhood to Otherhood (Running Press, 2008) helps you see what expectations can do to our mood and mindset.
Most moods are related to expectations.
A bad mood = broken expectation.
A good mood = hitting your marks.
A great mood = surpassing expectations.
But an expectation is only a thought. It could be a thought that has become a belief for you. And a belief, is just a thought you’ve had 10,000 times, so now you believe it.
We can change thoughts. We can alter expectations. And when we do, we’ll have different outcomes. We might even be able to uncouple expectations and moods.
As you can see in the chart below, expectations are tricky waters, and bring about unintended outcomes.
| When expectations: | Are: | The result can be: |
| For ourselves | Too high | We feel frustrated and demoralized at the inevitable failure due to unrealistic expectations; we fear to try again
If we succeed, it is at the expense of our own happiness, and relationships and we feel bereft, hollow. |
| Too low | We feel depressed, sad, isolated, under-expressive, bored, lonely, compulsive | |
| For others | Too high | We feel disappointment and distress because they feel they can’t measure up, which can give them low self-esteem, anger/rebellion and evasive behaviors towards us, leaving us confused, hurt, cut off.
We feel responsible in part for their successes, and they can seem weak or ungrateful, if they resent our pushing; fail to seek their own ambitions/agendas; sabotage their successes; Take control in other arenas (eating, drinking). |
| Too low | We feel bitter or frustrated as they under-perform; leave work for us to do. We are bewildered as they make questionable friends/alliances when they seek a higher opinion elsewhere; seek comfort elsewhere | |
| From others/for us | Too high | We work hard to please, sometimes at expense of self; We feel shame, fear of rejection; panic with failure
We abandon the expectation and feel stress and outrage at it |
| Too low | We seek to disprove the low opinion of us by hyper performance, tend to undervalue our own achievements and abilities, imposter syndrome potential.
We don’t engage, under-perform, feel resentment; seek comfort, admiration elsewhere |
Let’s talk about mood and expectation, especially as some of us head into Thanksgiving and holidays. I’ll be in the FB group, expecting you. 🙂 Ask to join if you haven’t already.
Also – another thing to expect??? I’m going to make a big Black Friday offer this year (my first!) and I might have gone a little overboard on the Free Bonuses. (But I love them all!) keep an eye on your emails!