When I was young, I was in a new school and self-conscious. We had moved from Montgomery, Ohio to Sleepy Hollow, New York. From middle school to high school. From knowing everyone to knowing no one. From trying to be nice to trying to be cool. From comfortable to awkward.

I needed to share all of this context with you before I shared the shameful moment. (Lest you judge me harshly.) This blog is not about that afternoon in Sleepy Hollow. It is not about what I did. It is about how I felt. It is about feelings of shame and regret and their effect on us.

So, I was standing on a sidewalk, talking with a new friend from school. It was a boy, but who? I couldn’t tell you. The conversation veered toward something that made me feel uncool, so I told a lie.

The Lie: “I have an answer book to all the German homework worksheets.”
How I felt about it: I was up nights worrying about getting caught out in that stupid lie. Being made fun of. I was afraid I’d ruined my chances in that school by telling such a stupid, stupid lie.

That is regret. I wish I hadn’t told that lie.

There was also shame. I literally couldn’t sleep at night bec of the harsh and belittling thoughts I was having about that lie. Not I shouldn’t have lied, but You are never going to make friends bec you’re so stupid. You can’t be cool to save your life. It’s pathetic, that wasn’t even cool. Loser. Why would you even tell such a stupid lie?

Regret and Shame

Regret is feeling bad for what you did.
Shame is feeling bad for what you are.

Looking back I don’t feel, that was just silly of me. Or, how could I have cared so deeply about a small lie? I see it as an encounter with shame and regret that still lives in my body. I bring it back to my memory today, bec I recently had another encounter with shame and regret that ravaged my old body just as that early lie tore up my young body.

And it is helpful. I’m glad for awareness of that earlier shame. It held me captive for some days, presumably, or I wouldn’t remember it decades later. But eventually, I recovered my confident, loving relationship with myself.

How do we release ourselves from shame?

For awhile, we believe the inner name-calling and bullying, and let ourselves be tormented. We let our subconscious torpedo our self-confidence. We allow ourselves to be belittled and harangued. We look for outside confirmation that we are worse than dirt. Shame hangs its head, feels tense, and wreaks havoc on our bodies.

Recognize it. It is shame. It is your ego working to dress you down, so you don’t take such regrettable risks next time. It is not rational, just fear. Cowardice. Your lesser self trying to control you.

Be okay with it. I understand why I feel shame and regret right now. I underperformed in a high stakes situation.  I let my daughter and my family down. This is true and also not true. I did my best in the circumstances. I wish I’d done better (regret) but it doesn’t mean I’m a bad/old/fat/stupid person (shame).

Be present and curious. Where does the shameful thought take you? Do you shut down? Do you begin to feel caged? Is your stomach going nuts? Does your brain ache? Do your hands or feet fidget? Are you clenching your teeth? Be curious about how your body responds to the internal shaming. Cry if it helps. And relax each body part lovingly.

Find your pride. What am I proud of in this recent bout with shame and regret? This blog. My willingness to take a walk when I couldn’t rest my head, instead of eating or drinking. Talking about it with you. With my daughter. With myself.

Do something else. Do something that you’re good at, that you enjoy, that gives to others. Make a meal. Write a blog post, make your bed. And build back your confidence and your recognition of who you know yourself to be.

How Shame affects creativity and writer’s block

We hear about fear. We hear about critical inner voices and how they contribute to writer’s block. We also hear about regret. (I waited too long. I wish I had time. I should have written it while it was fresh.) Regrets are hard enough to let go of.

Shame can be extremely hard to shake. Regret may be a veneer for shame. (I waited too long = I’m ashamed I’m old. I’m ashamed I was too afraid to write this work earlier. I’m ashamed of myself. I lack courage/ talent/ drive.)

If writing – or failing to write – pokes the mean inner voice inside you, recognize the shame and tease it out.

  • We might feel shame about ourselves, even trying to be a writer.
  • We might feel shame about a time we tried to put ourselves out there without success.

Try to find the bad feelings, recognize the shame, and be okay with it. Be present and curious. Write about it. Talk about it. Give your shame – and all its power over you – to a character you’re creating. And find your pride again. Regrets are in the past. Shame can hold you for a very long time. It can become a part of who you think you are. Detangle your thoughts and regrets and find some shame you haven’t let go of, yet. It’ll feel great to let it go.

We’ll be talking about shame and regret in the FB Group, this week. Sounds like fun, right? Join if you haven’t already!