We must compare to survive. This is human hardwiring. From birth we mimic other humans to learn survival skills like eating, running, staying away from tigers and more. We work to do it well bec of the will to survive.
Stepping out of line – i.e. creating or doing anything new or novel – is by its very nature risky. Remember that ancient tribe member who strayed a little, followed a butterfly, and the tiger got him, and ate him? You don’t? Your DNA remembers, and as a result of all those ancient life-threatening events that your ancestors survived, they learned, encoded, and thousands of years later, you still toe the line.
Before long, humans started noticing it was not everyone who survived, and it became not just comparing, but competing. Survival of the Fittest is a deep drive.You don’t have to be the fastest runner, you just have to be faster than the next guy. Commence the comparisons. “But there are no tigers in the suburbs” you might be thinking. Logic dictates we can all relax, right? Not really. We all have egos – fueled by the irrational need to outrun your neighbors and escape metaphorical tigers.
Ego
Ego compares everything to its own self image. Better or worse. If someone or something is better than us, ego is deflated. This can cause jealousy and even anger. Or our self-esteem can sink, we get depressed. Sometimes, we get scared, and it kicks our ego into gear, to try something – anything – to be better than the one to whom we compare ourselves (and come up short.)
If the comparison is in our favor, our ego inflates. It might even strut a little, or rub someone’s nose in it. The result is not good for our oft deflated, sometimes inflated ego. Soon we feel fearful that people will knock us down for being better. Or, just in case, we knock ourselves down a peg. In the next comparison – and they come constantly, automatically – we’re not even sure we were better that one time! What?? Oh no!!
Our emotions follow our egos up and down a figurative mountain. Highs and lows. And like any mountain road, lots of switchbacks in both directions.
Self-Esteem
We can stop judging ourselves and others. You must first become aware of the habit. Remember the long-ago tiger? Well that’s how long ago we all began comparing and criticizing and judging. By the time we all were born, this was just part of our make-up. Deep. Deep. Down.
Step one is to gain awareness of judgements and criticism. Step Two is to disbelieve or to see if there is another thought that might be just as true or truer that causes you less pain. (Byron Katie’s “Loving What Is” is the very best method for seeing judgement and freeing yourself from it.) When we learn to stop judging ourselves, and comparing ourselves to the others, we begin to feel inner peace. Simply by being aware of this habit, and observing it throughout the day, we begin to change for the better.
Suffering
The Buddha said that desire is the cause of all suffering. Desire for things or outcomes out of our control engage the ego as the Master of Ceremonies – and suffering naturally ensues. The ego needs to feel in control, to be the best and the brightest, and so it works to prove what it needs. It desires winning, stuff, and validation. On the other hand, it seeks to belittle, disbelieve others’ gains and feel envy. Unrealistic desires never seem to satisfy, so we are always in a state of desire, failure, desire. Comparisons are the root of desire, and therefore the root of suffering.
Anxiety
When our ego pulls us into the future, and we worry about how we will perform, or win or what ever we desire, we are suddenly in a place that doesn’t actually exist, and we have no control, by definition. This can bring on anxiety – as anger, fear, jealousy, and a touch of shame commingle in your ego, and your brain is confused. Anxiety is a cover emotion. If you can decipher its piece-parts, you might be able to see what is causing it. Invariably, it is the ego, but what are the comparisons? And how is your ego responding?
Self
When we learn the tricks of the ego, and begin to observe, instead of respond, we gain a sense of Self. Self is the being – who is you – who is above the ego, who is good, good enough, and calm. It is your Self who observes comparisons and responses by ego and body. It is you who addresses the feelings and determines your direction. It is Self who is in control of you, and who understands, wisely, that Self controls no other being or event or outcome.
We quit trying to force things and instead begin to “join” forces, join the flow of the universe and the immediate environment. We are learning, really learning to be who, and what we really are. We then begin to experience equanimity.
So Why Do We Compare?
To survive a long-ago tiger attack. Can we cease to compare and cede control over our fates? Yes it is achieved through the habit of noticing comparisons and letting them go. Seeing and disbelieving our negative judgements, and not letting our positive judgements inflate our egos.